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It’s almost a relief when you realize you’ve learned how to fool even your closest friends and family. I’ve always been good at pretending in public, but I can finally keep it from those dear to me – almost. Almost all of them. But last night I meant to pretend. My intent was always to wear the mask. But somehow the words forced themselves out of my mouth when I didn’t mean for them to, and all of my sorrow doubled in size and overflowed into someone else’s heart. I never wanted to do that. And so I apologize deeply for that. You didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine; my mask wasn’t strong enough. I guess I’ve been wearing it long enough that it’s starting to wear out. Time for a new one, maybe? That might not be wise. People might notice the change unless I can manage to get the exact same one again. And that’s unlikely.

Why is 10 a.m. not much different from 11 p.m.? They’re both charades.  Here’s my late-night perspective:

I have one face for the day,
and it smiles and laughs
at jokes and good friends, and
it manages to look like
me.

I have one face for the night,
and it cries and closes its eyes
to keep out visions of delight, and
it manages to seem like
me.

Time has taught me how
to switch my masks in a moment,
without even the briefest second
of a bare face,
And at sundown I put on my sorrow,
and at daybreak I put on my joy,
and it has been years since anybody
(including myself) has seen
me.

May you not forget to take off your mask from time to time,
Stargrl

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